the more i think about it, the more sad i am. not in an intense 'i am going to fling myself from a building immediately' kind of way, but that i have looked at the email from dignitas sat in my inbox for a couple days umming and ahhing over what to do and tonight i decided to sign the document to be a member.

i do what i'm supposed to, i keep up appearances as i was always taught to. the same way you'd sign your name on the dotted line without really knowing what the terms and conditions say because it'll get you out of whatever situation you're in quicker, i say and act as i am supposed to to ease the discomfort felt by those around me (and probably to avoid feeling vulnerable). maybe this was always part of my role as The Abused Child™, managing those around me's emotions by suppressing my own needs. 

outwardly i'm functioning, inwardly i know i just dodged a hospital admission last week and i know i've stopped looking when i cross the road, again.

people want me to be okay - and so i am.

but let's be honest, it's a lot easier being 'okay' and 'getting over it' in a society that demonises people with mental health conditions more complex than depression or anxiety. the idea of starting uni as 'the mental one' really doesn't appeal and so i push myself to say and do the things expected of me so i can pass as normal and try to dodge the stigma that being mentally ill comes with.

i walked on to uni today, not excited, just numb. doing what i'm supposed to. freshers events start tonight and i'm sat staring at my bed wondering what time is acceptable to crawl into it, wanting never to emerge again. alas i will, i'll get up tomorrow and do everything i'm supposed to and act as if everything is fine. i'm a really good actress.