oops i did it again

-title courtesy of britney.

'oops i did it again' referring to the fact that again i was admitted to hospital.

• um, 10th time lucky?

last week i was plagued by confusion, the type of confusion i can't even begin to explain. in fact, i am trying to explain it but my night meds are fogging my brain right now. 

i felt really confused when the crisis team suggested admission. i mean i know i had been hysterically crying down the phone to them about how i didn't want my niece to have to be told that her auntie had killed herself. but what this really necessary? i know i was actively trying to kill myself more than i was trying to live, but i was trying to live.

ever to believe in fate, i was actually trying to hang myself as the crisis team called to tell me they had found a bed. as in, they called as my face was turning blue and as my eyelids were getting heavier after i'd told myself that i wasn't going to stop this time. 

before my friend drove me to the ward i made a comment about how i wasn't looking forward to being admitted as i didn't want to be on constant obs to begin with - as is protocol. oh THE IRONY.

i kindly asked the doctor to take me off obs and low and behold the bugger not only kept me on obs, but kept me on bloody eyesight. 

~~for people who aren't ward wise: there are different levels of observation that are decided on a person's risk & presentation. these tend to be on a scale of 'so-fucking-close-that-if-you-try-to-move-inappropriately-the-alarms-will-be-pulled' (arms length), then 'every move you make, every step you take, we'll be watching you' (eyesight) then it's '15s' and maybe they have every 30 mins, but after that it goes to 'general obs' which most patients are on which is hourly checks. ~~

eyesight obs are very uncomfortable, peeing with the door open kind of uncomfortable, having someone sat watching you from the door as you sleep kind of uncomfortable.

it felt like as soon as i got to the ward i just stopped. all this energy it had taken to just be existing just drained right out of me and i was just staring and crying in different places on the ward. so needless to say, monday was crap and tuesday followed the same tune. when i got off eyesight obs i looked at myself in the mirror and thought to myself 'wow, i'd probably have kept me on eyesight too'. my eyes were sunken and dark from 2/3 days of minimum food & fluid intake, my hair was greasy as fuck and i just generally looked dishevelled.

today, wednesday, i woke up and i had the fucking sensational feeling of it BEING A FUCKING GOOD DAY. which was an immense relief. it was a really good day. 

anyway, i'm here until tuesday & have been given a patient information leaflet on lithium to mull over. 

over and out until i have less of a sedated brain, gonna go ask a nurse for a talk ~or something like that~ because my brain is like 

1. Press the big red button
2. Do it
3. Press it already

• PRESS
• THE 
• FUCKING
• BUTTON
• ALREADY

and the big red button will not only jeopardise my life, but also jeopardise my changes of getting better because if the nurses found me doing said thing it'd be instant discharge. 

k bye 4 now