dear friends,
please know that i'm trying.
please forgive me when i lie to you because the pull of my mind is greater than my loyalty.
it's a cruel brain to live in when suicide is more comforting than friends.
if i cancel a plan it's not because i don't want to see you, it's because today just existing is taking every ounce of energy.
but also,
i can't bring the hurricane to you when i am circling the eye of the storm.
when things are so bad, it's easier to suffer alone because i am so scared of pulling you in.
i'm sorry i bring my chaos to you,
i'm sorry i'm not grateful when you coax me away from the edge of a building
or that i don't recognise you when i wake up covered in wires.
i hope one day i will be grateful, because i don't want your efforts to be in vain.
there's just rain,
rain, rain, rain.
and my god it's been raining for a while now i'm just sorry the clouds are still grey.
when i know so badly you want to see summer in me.
i know you feel frustrated, scared,
maybe even resigned.
i notice everything you do and i'm sorry if you don't think i do.
it's just so hard to say 'thank you' and admitting just how much i have taken,
feeling forever a burden.
i never wanted to be like this
and i am telling myself daily that if i owe it to anyone,
i owe it to you.
so i'm trying to be better,
because i'm tired of breaking hearts.
my friends are the glue that fix the broken parts.
i know you don't want to hear this,
but right now i'm so unsure.
if i do leave you,
please know that i never meant to break you anymore.
so i'm sorry if you're crying,
but i know and knew when i had nothing else i always had you.
let's hope there's rainbows soon,
all my love
sophie xxx
