It's been about a year since I last posted. A lot has happened in that time, many terrible things unspeakable because the pain is still too raw.

Currently I'm in a specialist personality disorder unit, week 5 into the programme. It's difficult. It feels fucking dark.

The reality of living with people as traumatised as myself, if not more, is hard. It's hard to see so many people hurting. 

Most people seem quite attached to the ward, I don't feel that at all. I feel out on a limb, like I'm drowning but someone has thrown me a rescue rope but they can't pull me in.

I've been having a lot more dissociative seizures as of recent. It seems I don't dissociate anymore without my body starting to seize up and intrusive thoughts crowd in to the empty space. 

This place is meant to be my saviour, right now, I resent it. I resent it so hard I keep bringing up the reality of me leaving at my 6 week CPA. The CPA is meant to address whether I am ready to commit to the programme.

I want to.

I just don't want the 1:1 observation, no leave and no independence or freedom. I want to be able to prove to people that I can do well, but at the moment they don't trust me and that lack of trust drives me further into myself, into my illness.

More than anything I just want to be back home in Brighton with the beach beside me, the gales messing up my hair and my fish tank placed cathartically in front of the sofa. 

I just want a life. That's all I came here for, I didn't come here to be misunderstood, distrusted and spied on at any given time. It's wearing me down completely. 

At the moment I feel painfully secular, as if there's no one to talk to. I feel painfully misunderstood and undermined when I do voice my opinions. I want it to work, but I don't want it like this.