grief

grief is such an odd concept to someone who hasn't experienced it.

the time when you begin to understand is a time at which you wish you already understood. it sweeps in like a hurricane, devastating, life-changing and sudden but enduring. the suffering doesn't stop at the initial shock, it's instead the beginning of a long path to returning to some kind of normalcy.

you can rebuild your home, but it's changed. you can replace your possessions, but they don't have the same feel. the home you knew and took root in, is gone.

relationships lovingly built over years disappear instantly, all that's left is presents from two christmases ago and a bunch of tangled memories you'll begin unpicking for answers.

there's no way up, or out, or sideways or anywhere, not to begin with. to begin with it's completely unimaginable ever living without them, even if you did not see them often there was comfort in knowing they were there and in the blink of an eye heartbreak has taken it's place.

i dream about her, Sasha, she was my friend. she was more than my friend though, she was down in the depths of hell with me when i was battling my way through it. she was dependable, she was loyal, so, so loyal, she was loving, she was someone who understood. we lived together in hospital for months as teenagers, finding solace in one another and a whole host of ways to torment the nurses.

after hospital she was the naive wild child who wanted to experience everything and wanted her friends alongside her as she did. she suffered so much and as i got better i found myself in a new role 'sensible friend'. if sasha went missing i'd be trying to reach her, trying to steer her towards safety and i worried relentlessly for her. she wasn't much younger than me, but i felt a great deal of responsibility towards her because i knew she trusted me and she seemed so vulnerable.

Sasha told me things she hadn't shared with other people before, she spoke to me and trusted me when she was too scared to even talk. i felt so honoured to be that person, to share a hug with her when even hugs would terrify her.

that sense of responsibility absolutely broke me when she died. the loving young woman we all adored and fought for, was gone. the guilt felt enormous, i couldn't live with myself feeling as if i could have done more, seen her more, told her i loved and cared about her more.

to begin with i cried, then i wondered round as if hadn't happened, then i tried to jump off a cliff, then finally i just laid in bed, stopped my medication, stopped eating, stopped drinking and i waited to join her. that was all in the first week, grief is exhausting.

what followed was 11 admissions to psychiatric hospitals, pretty much one after the other. barely staying out days at a time. i could not comprehend life. i grew an obsession with suicide and dying, it became my only goal.

i still can't comprehend it if i think too much about it. i am just living in the now, hoping blindly that the future will be better.

i have entered a new stage 18 months on, the dreams.

in the dreams i see her, i speak to her, i try to save her, but she laughs and she dies again. the format changes each time, sometimes i am protecting her. sometimes i am telling her how much we all miss her and begging her to comeback. each time it feels real. each time i wake up feeling bereft all over again.

i walk around the day after the dreams noticing her favourite things, noticing things that relate to her, each one feels painful. each one feels like a knife in the stomach and yet i carry on, keeping it to myself because i'm not sure other people would understand.

grief, it's complex.