they couldn't help again

tentatively, i am starting believe there's a ray of light reflecting onto the shattered shards of my heart.

things recently have been tiring.

it's the same story really. girl feel hopeless, girl tries to kill herself, girl gets conned into believing people can help, girl gets let down and made to feel as if it's her fault.

the con really is in believing other people can help. other people can only ever guide and hold hope. the decision to open eyes to a new day each morning is my own.

a week ago i tried for 4th time to get hit by a train. it was weird walking away from a near death experience unscathed bar a bruise & some scratches.

i posted a suicide note up before i left hospital, knowing i was going to kill myself (or at least try). the hospital said they couldn't help again, i was too suicidal to be helped.

i got home, charged my phone up so i could listen to music and i found somewhere new i could access the tracks so that people wouldn't know where to find me or how to stop me. the materials i had at home to kill myself i couldn't find.

i was walking along the train line away from the obvious point of access so people wouldn't see me. i saw my friend message me she said 'please let me see your face pop up again one last time'. it caught me off guard, i answered a call.

the police spoke to me, i wouldn't tell them where i was, i knew if i did they'd stop the trains & foil my plan. they'd ring, i'd talk and then hang up, repeat. they put a friend on the phone.

i was walking in the middle of the track and i told her

'i think a train is coming'
'i can see the light reflecting on the rails'
'there is. there's a train coming'

what was said from there is a muddle. i was hysterically walking up the track, crying and reciting how people couldn't help. i didn't want to do it anymore.

the train was coming straight at me, i was staring it down and talking to my friend.

'i'm scared'
'i'm really scared'
'i don't know what to do'

it was 20 metres away when i jumped back over the rail, it was 5 metres away when i stepped back so the outer parts of the train wouldn't hit me.

the force knocked me over. the train horn sounded. it screeches past.

my friend 'are you there?'

...

'yes i'm here'

the train stopped at the next stop i watched it linger there. i spoke to the police on the phone, still refusing to give my location knowing that the incident would have been reported and they'll know where i am now anyway.

a train comes from the station, lights on full beam, it slowly creeps up the track and comes to a stop seeing me lingering.

i see blue flashing lights and i run.

torches are searching for me and i hide in a bush.

i didn't die, i am alive but people knowing what a failure i am is scarier.

the police approach me and i tell them i was having a picnic. i shrug it off.


***

later the doctors assess me in an empty room, i'm scrunched into a ball on a mattress.

they ask me what happened.

i am crying to splutter out the words. oozing self-hatred and disgust. i don't want to be seen, i am alive.

an unfamiliar doctor says 'so what you're saying is that it was a close call tonight'

the doctor who usually shouts softens.

he looks at me and asks me what they should do.

i tell them i don't know, i tell them to send me home.

they come back and tell me i can go home. if they section me i will try to hang myself, if they admit me voluntarily i will leave the hospital to attempt suicide. i have to wait until morning though.

i tell them,
no. i am going home now.

and they exchange looks, plead with me to stay until morning 'when people are around'.

they go back into their room, hushed voices and human rights are thrown around.

i go home.

***

i could have died, i wish i had. i didn't.
my friends saved me.
i couldn't kill myself with my friend listening in. i couldn't bear the trauma.

i live. i try to live. i try to make things better.
i try.

one week on and i am alive.

nothing is magically better, it never will be.
is there a slither of hope? yes.
am i sure i can make it? no.
do i want to die? no. i am terrified this illness will take me like it took my friends.

the professionals can't save me. i have to do that myself, i will try.
i know suicide is a way out. i have lost too many people to believe otherwise.
i will try in spite of knowing suicide works.

i will try.
it's all i have got.
it will have to do.