I'm broken, fragile and hurting.

I haven't written in a long time. The perfectionist in me kept pushing me back down and the avoidant in me felt too afraid of the anxiety challenging those thoughts would take.

So here's the truth:

I'm broken, fragile and hurting.

I am at a point with my mind and body where I have lost motivation, energy and hope. I am somewhat trying to find it.

It's a painful process to look at how I spent years recovering from both ehlers-danlos syndrome and emotionally unstable personality disorder to become a student mental health nurse. More painful to see that I got there and things weren't instantly fixed. It's too painful to examine in any depth at the moment.

I have watched myself go from a position of authority and trust, working and independent in both myself and of health services that held me for years prior. I decided to leave nursing two weeks before a friend, so close to my heart that I have been changed forever, killed herself. Since I lost another two friends to suicide.

My life has spiralled into such a dark, dismal and lonely (so lonely) place.

I feel crushed. I feel so afraid. There are traumatised parts of me that can't function and they're in control at the moment.

I lay in bed all day, the environment around me stays cluttered, messy and dirty to a point it's a health hazard. I don't feed myself or I throw money away on takeaway. I stare at social media watching people live their lives or I watch netflix for 12 hours a day. I research things I might want to do and recoil in horror at the anxiety of anyone new meeting me and being expected to be functional in front of others. I look online at properties I could rent and hyperventilate at the idea of lying to them lest they find out I'm on benefits and subsequently decline me. I cry because my 'home' feels like a prison with 40 steps that make my joints creak and crack.

I need a way forward or I need a way out. People around me tell me of their anxiety because they believe my death is a very real threat. Professionals try to instil hope in me with methods that haven't worked prior.

I wish I could work so I could pay my own rent, be self-sufficient and live wherever I please in a home that doesn't compromise my health and comfort.

I wish I had a purpose other than existing because I'm too weak to kill myself. I'm trying to buy into whatever techniques or referrals people tell me will help.

I'm just really scared.