when people ask me how i am i lie, it's almost a habit now.
every time i feel the pain in my cheeks when i twist my face into a smile when it doesn't want to smile at all.
how do i tell you?
when the professionals ask if i have any thoughts of suicide and i say
'some' and i smile it off as if there's a hope inside that carries me.
please ask me
'any thoughts of living?'
and i'll say 'none'.
i'll still laugh it off because i am the punchline.
but they don't ask,
so how do i tell you?
when they say
'what's wrong?'
but nothing is wrong
and nothing is right.
i just bury this guilt deep inside.
guilt that i shouldn't be alive and every day i am feels like a knife in your back.
a knife in her back.
how do i tell you who she is?
when people ask me to stay safe for others, to stay safe with others
AND I DON'T WANT TO.
but i am really trying.
how do i tell you that i hate every moment pretending?
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