*cringe*

i don't really know what i'm doing, there's been a niggling thought in my head for many weeks and it's the thought that i should document ~things~ whilst i am in fact going through ~things~. 'going through things', strange phrase, aren't we all? nothing special about me.

okay, so there's this urge to write which has been gently bubbling for a while and i've kind of left it there because there's also this catastrophic tornado of thoughts in my head which are saying, or rather shouting, that i need to stay quiet, unnoticeable and to stop. fucking. bothering. people. 

and as i write this, that train of thought is really screaming in my head, i mean like, really screaming. it's almost palpable. these thoughts are hot steam, they are the broken nib of a pen smashed angrily into paper; a dementor kissing my soul ready to steal it. if my skull were the earth, these thoughts would be the earthquake.

they're seething, so angry at me for disobeying.

and why?

because people like me do not deserve voices. we do not deserve attention. we do not deserve to be heard, because we have nothing important to say. people like me are leeches on society and if we're going to leech off society, we should at least be quiet about it. do not attract attention. do not fool anyone into believing we could possibly ever be more than we are now. 

so, just writing this is bad. inherently bad, like myself. writing this gives me a voice which i don't deserve. it feels awful to be acting against these furious thoughts. but, someone once told me the only cure for these thoughts is to act against them, to do what they tell me not to, and so i write. i write even though it feels like radioactive maggots are burrowing through my cerebrum, because maybe i do deserve a voice and maybe i am capable of great things, but these maggots are holding me back. 

today is as good a starting place as any, so i begin blogging (again) under the illusion that maybe it will help. or i'll find a voice. or that someone might want to hear me. or basically, just bloody anything which isn't this, because the thought of being this forever, is actually worse than all the dementors and maggots in the world.