sunday evening was bleak, i had shared a couple of my posts and then gone on to write a very sincere suicide note which has remained unpublished. i tell you, i wanted to post it so bad but i realised if i did then i was cutting strings. that suicide note would speak untold truths about myself, things i couldn't leave the world without saying, things i would feel bad not saying before going and as long as i don't publicly share it i have a reason to stay.

honestly though, it wasn't me clinging to life that prevented me posting it and throwing myself in front of a train. it was the fact that if i posted it, people would worry and when you're planning to kill yourself, worrying people is very low on the list of desires.

side note: apologies if i often talk about violent things quite casually, it's quite deliberate because if you find my writing disturbing, i believe it'll make you think about what it's like to co-exist in my/anyone else's brain with these thoughts and images. 

in my experience, people like to be as far removed from pain as possible, it's the 'how are you?'s which aren't really a question, it's just on the conscience-appeasing tick list along with the 'well i'll be here if you need me's which aren't followed through. people don't like pain because it demands attention and for the most part, how on earth do you react to it?

that's rhetorical, i don't even know how to answer that, although i wish i did.

any who, back to the point, sunday was bleak. i fell asleep on monday at 7am. by the time i had woken up at 9am for my care coordinator's visit i was simply too tired to kill myself. excuses, excuses. 
instead, for reasons i can't remember i decided to pick a fruitless battle with my care coordinator to leave me alone and discharge me.

it's probably worth noting that over the weekend i had decreased my medication and by sunday had decided i didn't need it at all. AND HONESTLY I WISH I WOULD JUST LEARN MY LESSON BECAUSE WHENEVER I START PLAYING WITH MY MEDS I TURN INTO A RIGHT NEUROTIC FRUITCAKE.

to quote myself in an email of idiocy to my care coordinator:

"To recover I would need to be unwell in the first place, which is arguable because there's no categorical proof that any state of mind is preferable over another. There is no proof and will never be proof that I'm the irrational one and everyone else is rational, its just as possible that it is in fact the opposite and in which case, how could I trust anyone?"

"It's just as possible that the symptoms that are 'treated' are things which on a higher level may be beneficial to my survival. It could all be an elaborate plan to disarm me to control me. How can I trust other people's judgement when I can't verify their intent? And I won't ever be able to do that because there's no way of being able to look inside someone's mind at their intentions."

sorry sophie, what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i give myself a bloody headache. 

so monday i spent obsessing, and i really mean obsessing, over the fact that nothing was straight forward and everything was complicated and that the sun might be the moon and the moon might be the sun and the sun might swallow people whole because nothing makes sense and i wonder if daffodils can feel when people tear them from the ground and i wonder where the pied piper put all those children and really, really can we come to some conclusion that NOTHING MAKES SENSE. AAAAAAAAAGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i blame philosophy, that shit really fucks with my head ...or it might just be racing thoughts because i get them too. by tuesday i was feeling less loopy and decided to start taking my meds again and to ask my care coordinator to ignore my previous email.

wednesday was characterised by

"OH MY GOD I AM BETTER NOW, I AM BETTER, I AM BETTER I NEED. TO. DO. SOMETHING! anything, SOMETHING, ANYTHING."

and so far thursday's been a bit of 'oh wOw i feel vulnerable.' followed by me making a cup of tea, drinking said cup of tea and thinking 'oh Yes, that's better', proceeded by 'hanG On a minute i feel really Vulnerable this isn't okay' proceeded by another cup of tea and so forth.  it probably didn't help masses that i woke up not where i was or what day it is. 

today, i've felt young, as in the kind of 'oh-crap-i-need-to-protect-myself-because-someone-is-going-hit-me-in-a-second' and the 'okay. so i'm just going to cry here on my own because there is no one around and i feel scared'. it's as if i'm six again and there's danger everywhere. i'm an overgrown child walking around in denim dungarees with toys in my pocket so that i can distract myself from my thoughts with farting pink slime or the side-to-side motion of a yellow slinky. 

however, in today i have found some kind of acceptance however fleeting it may prove to be. i feel okay in the knowledge that sometimes the line between 'bad' and 'terrible' is simply a cup of tea, it's also weirdly okay to be sad and not be killing myself - what a revelation. and actually, today whilst i was sat on my bed thinking of things i wanted to do, whilst simultaneously not wanting to do anything at all i thought 'hmm maybe i'm a bit depressed' and actually that' probably the closest i will come to admitting that i'm Not Okay™ just yet.